My mom and dad selected a girl without asking me and made my engagement even without informing me when I was 15 years old. I was not satisfied with their decision at all and told them, but they convinced me until I married her. In the first night, she was not bleeding. I thought it was normal because I had done some research on the internet about it. But still I had some doubt about her. Soon I found out that she had had sex before marriage. It’s 100% sure as she confessed it. She even said she had had multiple partners. I even found out she was in contact with a man after our marriage. Now my parents are worried. I want to marry someone else.
Marriage is a sacred institution. With its sole purpose of establishing a family, marriage is more of a combination of love, respect, trust, communication, and commitment. It is not easy to settle in and adjust with another person. It takes time, love, sacrifice, and compromise, and both of the partners are expected to take care of each other.
Sex and intimacy is an integral part of marriage. It strengthens the bond between the spouses. However, society has formed several taboos and prejudices regarding the wedding night. As you said that you had researched, it might be correct to restate that the lack of bleeding does not ascertain that the girl is not a virgin. In other words, bleeding is caused by the tear in hymen which is often broken before sex due to incidents such as serious injuries, falls, and accidents, or simply because of strenuous activities. Therefore, you cannot judge the virginity of your spouse on the basis of this.
However, as your wife has already accepted her past relationships, this might be not the case.
It is difficult to forget and forgive the past of your spouse, but forgiveness is loved by Allah (swt).
“Who spend [in the cause of Allah] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people – and Allah loves the doers of good.” (3:134)
“Allah’s Messenger (SalAallahu alejhi we selem) said, “Allah will not be merciful to those who are not merciful to mankind.” (Bukhari)
Have you thought about giving her another chance? Every mistake or every wrong step does not mean another marriage or divorce. Humans are not perfect. Have you tried talking to her? Her act of being involved with other men even after marriage is inappropriate, and she must be punished. Maybe cutting connection for some time or not sleeping with her can improve things instead of directly jumping upon divorce. But while taking this step, remember that you have recently been married and disconnecting may further deteriorate the situation. How sure are you that she is still involved? It can merely be a suspicious doubt on the basis of the facts you are aware of.
You said that you got engaged when you were teenagers. Despite your lack of interest in the marriage to this girl, you ended up with her. By no means should you user her past as an excuse for getting away with the relationship. Give it some time.
With your love and trust, I am sure you can continue with this relationship. Ending it is not the solution. Maybe, it is your treatment upon knowing that she is not a virgin that makes her look for other relations. Make her understand and get a final verdict. It is important that she remains loyal to you now. Make her sit and talk over it in a good manner. Say that you are trying your best to forgive her and forget her past, but if she wants to have a healthy relationship and a consequent good future, she must stop her infidelity. Give all your tries so that you don’t regret later.
Maybe you can take her on a vacation and spend some time knowing each other. Concentrating on her other traits might make you forget about the sin she has committed. It might also be possible that she has repented for what she did as it is said,
“And seek forgiveness of Allah. Indeed, Allah is ever forgiving and merciful.” (4:106)
Remember, people go astray, and it takes the support of others to bring them on the correct path. Be her light and guide her:
“Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish (i.e. don’t punish them) (7:199)
Place your trust in Allah (swt) and go ahead.
Answer from Counselor Karim Serageldin:
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum brother,
It seems you are not attracted to your wife from the very beginning. Attraction is a very important factor to make a relationship succeed, but is not the only one. You did not like her from the beginning, but married her because of family pressure. Do you think you can handle the family pressure in case of divorce?
I will first assume you prefer not to end your marriage and that you do not want to displease the families involved. However, you are right about thinking of your own happiness, otherwise you will never make her happy, and both of you will be living a miserable life together.
Even though divorce is allowed, and it is one of your options, it must be a last resort. Whether you like it or not, you are now married and the decision should not have been made if you were not in agreement to this marriage in the first place.
What exactly do you not like in your wife? If it is her weight, it can easily be solved with a lifestyle change, diet, and exercise. You can approach your wife and suggest exercising together, for example. Be aware of your tone and don’t be judgmental, instead, use the exercise as a couple’s activity where you and she can actually have fun while getting in shape. A healthy life style will also contribute to your mood and behavior. If there are other aspects of her physical appearance that cannot be changed through exercise, then there is nothing that can be done.
Independent of her appearance, you should focus on her character, personality, skills or anything that makes her a good person and wife. You also have to remember that you are not perfect (none of us are), and there are probably things in you that she dislikes as well. Start to validate the portion of your marriage life that you actually enjoy and appreciate.
Love does not need to be the same feeling or amount for each person in marriage at any given time. It can go up and down between two individuals that share some compatibility, enjoy each other’s company, and have fun together. Our religion made it very clear the importance of marriage and what a man should look for in a wife:
“Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them guard.” (Qur’an 4:34)
“When (the following) was revealed: And those who hoard up gold and silver… (9:34)” He said: “We were with the Messenger of Allah (salAllahu alejhi we selem) during one of his journeys, so some of his Companions said: (This) has been revealed about gold and silver, if we knew which wealth was better then we would use it. So he (salAllahu alejhi we selem) said: ‘The most virtuous of it is a remembering tongue, a grateful heart, and a believing wife that helps him with his faith.’” (Tirmidhi)
Indeed, beauty is important brother, but it does not last forever. If your wife is a good woman, religious, and loves you, I believe you should give a chance to this relationship and try to build intimacy and bond with her. A few months or even a year is not a long time for a couple to get to know each other deeply. Turn all your attention to the things that pleases you; laugh with her, talk, share dreams and expectations. You might find a wonderful woman if you use more of your heart and not your eyes.