First-time sex is still a big taboo topic among Muslims, even in the West. We cannot talk, or raise questions, or – God forbid – even think of it because sex is considered something filthy and evil.
Obviously, we all know that Islam prohibits having sex outside of marriage – but why does this have to prevent us from educating ourselves when the first generations of Muslims never shied away from seeking the answer for intimate questions? Why do we feel embarrassed when sexual desires are completely normal and natural feelings of a human being, and there is nothing wrong with fulfilling them in the halal way?!
It’s no surprise then that we at Ask the Counselor service receive tons of messages in which desperate young boys and girls, shortly before their big day, express their fears and worries about their first night with their spouse. They don’t know what to expect; they feel overloaded by the different and oftentimes inaccurate information they find on the internet; they are excited, but the doubts, the worries, and the shame they have don’t let them fully enjoy the happiness of these first intimate moments.
So, we put together a list with the most important information you need to know before your wedding night for those who are curious, confused, or wondering what to expect.
Accept Sex as a Healthy and Halaal Part of Life
Allah (swt) created us with sexual desires, and in Islam, there is nothing shameful about that. Islam just puts guidelines for us to follow in regards to whom and when we can fulfill our sexual desires. However, the actual act of sex is NOT wrong. To the contrary, sex, when done the halaal way, is a blessing from Allah (swt) in which you even get good reward for doing.
Intercourse Is Not a Must in the First Night
There should be no expectations other than to enjoy each other’s company and to become comfortable being intimate with one another. If both of you feel inspired to have intercourse on the first night, that is alright. If either of you feels too exhausted and would rather just fall asleep in each other’s arms, that’s fine, too!
“Relax and keep things natural between you and your wife. Don’t pressure yourself because that can cause you to be anxious and uneasy at a time when you and your wife should be happy. Instead, spend time getting to know each other and eventually intimate with each other.”
It Doesn’t Have to Hurt
“If your first time involves penetration, a little pain or pressure might be expected. That said, it should still be overall pleasurable — not painful. So if it hurts a lot, stop. This could be a signal that you need more foreplay or lubrication.”
You Won’t Necessarily Bleed a Lot
“Bleeding comes from tearing the hymen, which is basically a tissue inside the vagina. All women have different amounts of hymnal tissue, and in rare cases they aren’t born with any. Some women don’t notice any bleeding at all, but it is true that some women bleed a lot. There’s really no way to predict how much you’ll bleed.”
“Hymen Check” does not Really Determine Virginity
“Again, different people have different amounts of hymnal tissue; some are thinner, worn away, or filled with fewer blood vessels than others. Plus, that tissue can tear from a variety of things such as physical activity, masturbation, etc. So, to use this as a marker of whether or not you’ve had sex just doesn’t make sense.”
Never Skip Foreplay
“When you know you’re finally going to have sex, most people skip over all the other stuff to get to the main event. Don’t do this. The more sexual behaviors you engage in prior to sex (kissing, touching…etc.), the easier it is for both men and women to have orgasm.
The way the vaginal canal works is: once you’re aroused, something called “ballooning” occurs, which opens it up and allows for penetration. If there’s no arousal prior to penetration, it can be painful. Plus, lots of foreplay can help a guy get a stronger erection.”
Lube Can Make Everything Better
“The experts cannot suggest this enough. Lube is not just for older folks who can’t get wet on their own. A little extra slickness will help everything feel smoother and more pleasurable — no matter what’s going in where. So, if you feel any pain while trying penetration for the first time, ADD LUBE.
You should know, though, that oil-based lubes can screw with latex condoms and make them less effective. So you should find a water-based or silicone-based lube instead.”
Yes, orgasms are fantastic, but don’t just focus on when/how/if you’re going to get there. Getting to know one another’s bodies is as much a part of the sexual experience as orgasm. Being able to learn what your partner likes and doesn’t like is part of the fun. For some people, it can take literally years before they figure out how to orgasm with another person, so don’t expect it to happen right off the bat.”
If You Are a Man, You Might Come Really Quickly
While women probably won’t have an orgasm the first time around, men can face the complete opposite problem. It’s totally fine! By time, you will learn how to control yourself. Just focus on being in the moment and on your partner’s needs, and don’t worry so much about when you’ll come. Even if you do finish super quickly, don’t panic — you can just turn your attention to pleasing your partner.
Don’t Freak Out If Erectile Dysfunction Happens to You
“This doesn’t mean you’re broken or you’re horrible in bed. This can happen to anyone with a penis (regardless of your age), and that pressure and nerves can definitely play a role. If you’re having trouble, take a deep breath, remind yourself that this is normal, and then try to focus on all the stuff that currently feels awesome.”
Sex with Your Spouse is Not Like in Porn
Hopefully, you have never had any experience with porn. But if, God forbid, you have been exposed to porn before, you must know that real life sex is not what you saw in those movies. “All that violent thrusting and those acrobatic positions aren’t actually things that everyone enjoys, especially not your first go around. It takes a while to figure out how to do things in a way that feels good.”
Talk to Your Spouse When You Want to Start a Family
If your first time involves a penis ejaculating inside a vagina, you can absolutely get pregnant. Remember, you should be communicating with your husband-to-be before the first night, so major questions such as whether or not you will start a family right away are already discussed and dealt with.
Don’t Worry If the First Time Wasn’t up to Your Expectations
Whether you had a good or bad first time, you don’t need to worry about it being an omen for what sex will always be like for you. Make the most of your first night, but do not become so stressed thinking about the first night that you do not enjoy it! Relax, breathe, go slow, and remind yourself that being a little anxious is normal.